Until Our Final Journey to the Ground

It’s been a while, on-screen sightseers! What’s up? How’ve you been? If you celebrate, did you have a good Thanksgiving? I hope so! I also hope that you’re not too worn out from the holiday, because I have a task for you. I need you guys to watch a show. I love it so much that this won’t even be a typical On-Screen Sightseeing post in which I detail everything I’d want to do in a fictional world. Instead, I’m just gonna tell you about my new obsession.

As someone who works in retail, I had the great misfortune of having to work on Thanksgiving Day AND Black Friday. My first shift was from 11:30 PM-8:00 AM (though I actually got off about an hour earlier than scheduled). Because of that, I had to figure out a way to stay awake the whole time. My strategy was to stay up much, much later than usual the night before so that I could wake up later in the day and not feel so tired for work. Enter The 100.

One of my friends has been pushing me and another of our friends to start watching The 100 for a few weeks now. She started watching it on a whim, then our other friend hopped on the bandwagon before I did. When I needed to keep myself awake so I could sleep later, I logged into Netflix and dove right into the show.

I’m gonna be honest here. I had some reservations about starting this show. Namely, it’s on The CW, and the cheesy, trashy teen dramas the network airs aren’t usually my cup of tea. I know, I know, I have no room to talk when my love for Teen Wolf runs deep. Still, I wasn’t itching to watch The 100. Now that I’ve seen it, though, I look at my past self and judge myself even harder than I judge The CW itself. The show is actually pretty awesome! It’s a lot deeper and cinematic than I expected it to be, it’s visually beautiful, it has kick-ass female characters, and it’s just straight-up addicting. I don’t even want to admit how many episodes I ended up watching straight through. Hint: a lot. If you like stuff with sci-fi and post-apocalyptic elements, I’d recommend it.

Okay, okay, fine. I’ll throw back to my normal format and talk a little bit about locations. I don’t particularly want to visit these places as they’re kind of dreadful, but here we go anyway!

The Ark: In the world of The 100, Earth’s population suffered after a nuclear war. 12 nations joined forces to put their space stations together to house the original survivors, which totaled over 400. After 97 years, the population grew to 2658, and because of this, life support stretched too thin. The show centers on The Ark’s council members attempting to find an alternative living situation. Specifically, they want to know if Earth is safe to inhabit once more.

I’d want to hit this place up just because living in space seems like it’d be so awesome. But living in space on a failing space station? Yeeeah, not so awesome.

The Ground: Ah, The Ground. The place formerly known as Earth. Well, people do sometimes call it Earth, but still. I don’t want to go here. There’s radiation everywhere, which is why its inhabitability is highly questionable. There are things like bioluminescent butterflies, which are probably harmless and pretty, but then there are also weird things like two-headed deer and a terrifying river snake. One appealing thing The Ground does have, though, is many of the show’s main characters. They’re teen criminals that got sent to Earth in the first episode to test its livability. I know “teen criminals” probably doesn’t sound like the best of company in any situation, but come on. They’re probably way cooler than scary, mutated animals.

There are some other specific locations and things I could talk about, but I don’t want to go crazy with spoilers. Part of what makes this show awesome as that there are a bunch of unexpected twists and turns. I’m gonna leave you to experience those for yourselves. Hopefully next time you visit the blog, you’ll have watched at least one The 100 episode. May we meet again!

Been Up to the Blue Palace? (VLOG!)

It’s On-Screen Sightseeing’s first vlog! Check it out for a more immersive look at a fictional destination—in this case, the Blue Palace of Solitude.

Welcome to Storybrooke

I hate-watch a lot of shows. I’m not alone on that, right? Sometimes a show starts so good and/or has so much potential to be awesome, then as it goes on, you realize it actually isn’t all that awesome. Maybe story arcs get less and less interesting, or all the cool characters get shafted, or everything is just all around too awful to bear any longer.

That’s my relationship with Once Upon a Time. In theory, I should like it. I like fairy tales. I like Disney. I like modern adaptations of old stuff. All of that’s on the show, and yet, it’s so not my cup of tea anymore. Anymore! I liked it once. I was actually pretty obsessed with it when I first started watching it halfway through the first season. At some point, though, everything slowly went downhill. So many of the storylines have become unnecessarily complicated and convoluted, and there are plot holes all over the place. And don’t even get me started on the inclusion of Frozen characters. Just don’t even get me started on Frozen in general. Ugh.

I still sort of watch Once Upon a Time because my teenage niece still loves it. We live in the same house, and she doesn’t have a functional TV in her bedroom at the moment, so she often watches television in my room because we like a lot of the same shows. We used to actually watch Once Upon a Time together, but now it’s more like she watches while I aimlessly surf the Internet and only half pay attention to the show.

Still, I’ve gotta admit, the show’s central location of Storybrooke looks like a cute and quaint little town that would probably be fun to visit for a day or two. I have no idea if this is still a thing on the show anymore because all the town’s magical curses and rules and what not blur in my head at this point, but at least for a time, nobody could get into or out of Storybrooke. I don’t know. It’s complicated. But for the purposes of this post, let’s just assume that anyone can visit. Or at least that I can. Because I’m awesome. And after that ridiculously long rant about a show I supposedly don’t like, let’s get into some of the stuff I’d do and see in Storybrooke.

• Stay at Granny’s Bed and Breakfast: This might actually be the only place for visitors to stay in the whole town. That was probably covered in the pilot episode, in which this little B&B first appeared, but I don’t remember now. I should, though, since that’s when I actually enjoyed this show, but oh well. Just FYI, Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma runs this place. Or, well, her grandma who was cursed to live in the real world and doesn’t remember her storybook self runs it. But I guess she does remember now because that curse was lifted, so everyone remembers. Or something? Man, I dunno. Just let me have my bed and my breakfast!

• Eat at Granny’s Diner: Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma runs this place, too. Jeez, Granny, take over the whole town, why don’t you? Anyway, is this pitstop really surprising to anyone? I think we’ve already established that I really like breakfast foods. I know, I know, breakfast at a B&B AND at a diner? Yes. Don’t judge me.

• Visit Storybrooke Town Hall: Honestly, a town hall normally wouldn’t be on my list of things to see in most places. However, Storybrooke is so little that I feel like this is one of the more interesting locations to check out just because the pickings are so slim. Maybe I’d end up visiting when some kind of town meeting’s happening and I could see all the townspeople freak out about all the weird shit going down. I’m just assuming weird shit would be going down because weird shit is just ALWAYS going down in Storybrooke.

• Buy flowers from Game of Thorns: I’m doing this for no reason other than the shop’s name is a play on Game of Thrones. Genius.

• Check out Mr. Gold Pawnbroker & Antiquities Dealer: I know a lot of people are really into pawn shop reality shows, but I’m not one of those people. I’ve never even seen an episode of those shows. The inside of this shop looks like it’s full of cool stuff, though, so I’d at least want to check it out. A lot of the items are secretly magical, but I can’t decide if I’d be super wary of buying those things or if I’d jump at the chance to do so. Maybe the former, considering this place is owned and operated by a villain. Womp, womp.

  Actually, maybe he has some kind of magical items that could help me fall in love with the show again. I try so hard, Once Upon a Time. So hard!

Not The Safest Place for a Nighttime Stroll

When I first wrote about Skyrim, I mentioned that I couldn’t possibly cover everything I’d want to do in the fictional world in one post because the game is just so vast. After writing about Whiterun, I knew I’d touch on the other holds eventually. A hilarious blog post about Skyrim inspired me to write about another hold, so this time, we’re headed to The Rift!

The Rift is in southeast Skyrim and is one of my favorite holds, aesthetically speaking. There’s little to no snow in sight, and it’s full of forests that look like they’re in a perpetual state of autumn. Riften is the capital city of The Rift, and I’m pretty sure it has a reputation for being a pretty sketchy town full of thieves and con artists. I think it’s supposed to feel dirty in comparison to other towns in the game, but I dunno. It’s located near water and has a bunch of decks and boats and canals. I personally think it looks awesome, so I’d totally visit and do a bunch of stuff. As such, here’s a bunch of stuff I’d do in Riften and The Rift:

• Hang out with the Thieves Guild in Riften: Look, I don’t know that I could really cut it as a thief in Skyrim (or, you know, anywhere). I like to play sneaky characters in the game, though, so I like to join the Thieves Guild to boost my sneaking skills. Joining also gives players access to a bunch of quick quests that are effectively easy money when completed. But like I said, I don’t think I could actually lead a sordid life of crime, so I’m not in it for the gold. Criminal activities aside, the members of the Thieves Guild just seem like fun dudes and ladies to hang out with. However, getting to them would be crazy complicated because it involves fighting your way into their hideout, which is located in the city’s sewers. As I already talked about in my other Skyrim post, I would be a terrible fighter. I’ll have to come up with some distractions, or just work on my cardio and haul ass into the Ragged Flagon.

• Visit Ivarstead and High Hrothgar: Ivarstead is a little mining town located in The Rift and a little ways away from Riften. It’s so little that there isn’t much to see in the town itself. However, the town is at the base of the Throat of the World, the highest mountain in Tamriel. About halfway up the mountain is High Hrothgar. It’s technically in Whiterun Hold and not The Rift, but who really pays attention that high up? More importantly High Hrothgar is the home of the elusive Greybeards. They’re monks who have mastered the Voice a.k.a Thu’um a.k.a dragon shouts, which the player can use due to being the Dragonborn. Getting up there requires taking the 7000 steps that begin in Ivarstead. It’s a long pilgrimage up, and it’s snowy, and there are frost trolls and ice wraiths. And, ugh, I hate snow. It’d be an AWFUL journey, but for some reason, I think I’d want to do it. High Hrothgar and the Throat of the World are such landmarks that I feel like I’d just have to do it. In the event that I never make it down, just assume it was the frost troll’s fault.

• Drink Black-Briar Mead: If my confessions of not being a heavy partier in other posts didn’t make it obvious yet, I’m not a very heavy drinker. Once in a while I’ll have a drink, like during special occasions and what not. But Black-Briar Meadery, a bar and brewery, is located in Riften. More importantly, it’s owned by Maven Black-Briar, who unofficially controls the town. Thus, I feel weirdly obligated to have a drink. If I don’t, I feel like she’ll just judge me harshly during my entire visit, and she’s already super judgmental as it is. I’d rather be on her good side, or at least her not completely terrible one.

• Visit the Temple of Mara: The inhabitants of Tamriel don’t just worship one god. Rather, they worship nine. Or eight, depending on who you ask since there’s this whole ordeal about banning the worship of one of the Divines, but that’s neither here nor there, as Mara isn’t the aforementioned Divine. Mara, also known as the Mother-Goddess, is the goddess of love, compassion, and the bounty of nature. She is a fertility goddess and presides over marriage ceremonies. If you want to get married in the game, your ceremony is held at this temple in Riften. But me? I’m so not looking to get married or anything. Mara just seems super chill among all the insane shit happening in Skyrim. Plus, one of the quests you get here as a player is supposed to give you the blessing of Mara. It involves playing matchmaker all over Skyrim. Awww, how sweet!

• Adopt all the kids at Honorhall Orphanage: Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t adopt ALL of them. Let’s be real here: I’m not ready for kids in the slightest, so I probably wouldn’t adopt any of them at all. I would, however, try to find loving homes for all of them since the head of Riften’s orphanage is the worst person ever. Her name’s Grelod the Kind, but she’s not kind at all. She belittles the children, beats them, and actually tells them that they’ll never be adopted. But I’ll find a way to get them all adopted. I’LL FIND A WAY! Side note: There actually is a way to help the kids out in the game, but, uh, it’s kind of violent, and I’m not about that life. Peace and love, y’all.

Keep Beach City Weird

Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t like cold weather. If I had the choice between a vacation on a sunny beach and one in a winter wonderland, I would most definitely pick the former. I know, I know, beaches don’t necessarily guarantee nice, warm weather all the time—lookin’ at you, Bay Area beaches! Regardless, I’d still rather play in the sand than in the snow. That’s why my next fictional destination is Beach City from the animated series Steven Universe.

Steven Universe is a cartoon about a young boy named Steven who just so happens to be a member of the Crystal Gems. Using the special gemstones on their bodies, the Crystal Gems protect the world from evil. They’re like part superhero, part magical girl (or boy, in Steven’s case), and all awesome. Steven doesn’t quite know how to fully use his powers yet, so Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl do their best to help him—but sometimes this means things get weird in their residence of Beach City.

Speaking of Beach City and weird things, there’s actually a real life blog that chronicles weird stuff that happens in Beach City. It’s called Keep Beach City Weird, and it’s run by Ronaldo Fryman, one of the employees at Beach Citywalk Fries. Okay, so I don’t know who actually runs this blog (someone who works on the Steven Universe team, I’m assuming), but it’s wonderful and sometimes showcases things that you don’t always get to see on the show.

Ronaldo’s blog definitely gives me some ideas for things to check out in Beach City, but I’ve got my own list of stuff to see and do, so here we go!

• Eat a Cookie Cat: Though a Cookie Cat might sound like just a cat-shaped cookie, it’s actually an ice cream sandwich. It’s also Steven’s favorite ice cream treat. From the looks of it, it seems like your traditional ice cream sandwich with chocolate wafer cookies, but the ice cream inside is half vanilla, half strawberry. Also, it’s shaped like a cat. ALSO, it was marketed with an awesome rap jingle.

  But notice how I said “was”? Unfortunately, Cookie Cats are discontinued to make way for a different frozen treat called Lion Lickers. Steven says nobody likes those, though, and I think I’ll take his word for it. Hopefully I can still somehow find a Cookie Cat around. But if not, at least there’s always this amazingly accurate recipe from Fiction Food, a kick-ass blog that features recipes for dishes from TV shows, movies, books, and video games. It doesn’t seem insanely difficult, so I’ve gotta try it some time…while performing the Cookie Cat rap, because why the heck not?

• Visit Funland Arcade: Funland Arcade is located in Beach City Funland, an amusement park. However, I’m not entirely excited to hit up Beach City Funland itself. Don’t get me wrong. I love amusement parks! I mean, I have what’s probably a borderline unhealthy love for Disneyland. But Steven says Beach City Funland is dangerous. Rides break down and a lot of accidents happen there, so I’ll just stay away from the roller coaster and the entire place in general, thanks.

  But there’s still Funland Arcade! I want to play this weird rhythm game called Meat Beat Mania. It’s sort of like Guitar Hero or Rock Band…except with pieces of meat instead of instruments? I don’t really know. Also, what even happened to arcades? Why aren’t they as cool and prevalent as they were when I was growing up? Maybe I want to play video games outside the house to give the illusion that I actually leave it and have a life. Jeez.

• Check out the Crystal Temple: The Crystal Temple is the home of the Crystal Gems. It’s akin to a hill by the beach, which gives it a prime location and some sweet views. At the front is a beach house, and that’s all well and good, but I’m way more interested in all the other parts of the temple. See, the beach house has a special door that opens into several different rooms. Pearl’s room has a waterfall in it, Amethyst’s room looks kind of like it’s in outer space, and Rose, Steven’s late mother, has a room full of pink clouds and wish granting magic. Technically, nobody but the Gems are supposed to set foot into these rooms, but maybe they can somehow make an exception. Maybe? Please?

• Buy donuts from Big Donut: I have no grand explanation for why I want to go here. I just like donuts. Steven hangs out here a lot to eat, and also to see Sadie and Lars, his friends and Big Donut employees. This place also has a funky training song for its employees. Apparently, if a food item has a funny song associated with it, I’m gonna want to eat it.

• Order fries from Beach Citywalk Fries: Or maybe I should get fry bits? That’s what Steven always gets. Then again, they’re just the little pieces that end up getting leftover in the fryers after batches, and that sounds kind of unappetizing. I’ll just take regular fries, and then compliment Ronaldo on his cool blog. KEEP BEACH CITY WEIRD!

Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity

Parks and Recreation is my favorite sitcom. It’s possibly my favorite TV show in general. For a long time, I wasn’t very into watching television. I never really cared about too many shows enough to make sure I watched them live every single week. Instead, I was like the queen of watching reruns. I’ve since changed my tune, and Parks and Rec is one of the shows that contributed to that shift. In fact, it’s also one of the reasons I chose my field of study. Because I was watching it so much and so in love with it, as well as harboring a newfound love for television in general, I just figured, “Hey, maybe I could study something TV or media related.” And bam! Here we are.

In addition to having a personal impact on me, Parks and Rec is just awesome because it’s hilarious. The premise sounds totally boring—who really wants to watch a show about small town government workers? As it turns out, I do, because it’s super funny and charming. It’s so charming that its setting, a fictional town in Indiana, is somewhere I’d totally want to check out, even if most of the Midwest sounds like a total snoozefest to me (no offense, readers from the Midwest!). Here are some things I’d like to do in Pawnee that hopefully aren’t a total snoozefest.

• Visit Pawnee City Hall: A visit to Pawnee wouldn’t be complete without checking in on the amazing Parks Department. Realistically, hitting up a small town’s city hall probably wouldn’t be all that interesting. But this is Pawnee, and something weird’s always happening in Pawnee. Even the most mundane events take a ridiculous turn when the members of the Parks Department are involved. I want to tell Leslie she’s my hero, compliment Ron’s mustache, geek out with Ben, talk to Tom in abbreves (that’s an abbreviation for “abbreviations”), live tweet a show with Donna, sulk with April, sing weird songs with Andy, and so on and so forth.Plus, there are more things to see in Pawnee City Hall than just the Parks Department. For example, there’s the collection of bizarre and disturbing murals that line the walls of Pioneer Hall. As an art lover, this is probably the closest I’ll get to visiting an art museum in Pawnee. But really, who needs the Louvre when you’ve got these weird things to look at?

• Eat waffles at JJ’s Diner: If there’s anyone out there who loves breakfast food more than I do, it’s Leslie Knope. Ron Swanson, too, but Leslie’s the important one here because girl is all about her waffles. According to her, they’re the best thing on JJ’s menu, and I trust her judgement because she’s spent over a thousand dollars on waffles alone in one year. That is some serious dedication to what must be some seriously good waffles, so I have to try them.

• Party at the Snakehole Lounge: I’m not usually a huge nightclub kind of person, but how could you ignore a place with the tagline of “Pawnee’s Sickest Nightclub”? I’m not entirely sure that it has many competitors vying for the title of “sickest nightclub,” but whatever. It’s probably still cool.

  One of the signature drinks here is SnakeJuice. However, the very vague description of SnakeJuice (“a delicious blend of many kinds of alcohol, coffee, sugar, and ingredients”) doesn’t even sound that appealing. Actually, it sounds really, really gross. It did, however, give us drunk Ron Swanson, so I’m inclined to maybe try it once. Maybe.

• Eat at Jurassic Fork: Look, it’s a dinosaur-themed restaurant. Need I say more? Actually, I think this might be near Pawnee rather than in it, but oh well. I also just remembered that it’s technically closed, but I’m holding out hope that it’ll reopen by the time I get to Pawnee. I mean, come on, the menu has items like veloci-wraps and tricera-chops! Dinosaur puns! It’s staying on the list.

• Visit Pawnee Park: I’m of the belief that, somehow, things are just so much cuter and more awesome when they’re miniature. You know, like desserts, travel-sized toiletries and make-up, and sometimes clothes on dogs. So a trip to a miniature park? Yes, please! Pawnee Park is the smallest park in Indiana. According to the City of Pawnee website, it has a maximum capacity of three people, a two-person bench, a Madison auto-lighter gas lamp, and high levels of cuteness. I’m really holding them to that last one.

• Eat a steak and drink scotch with Ron Swanson: Apparently, there’s going to be a lot of eating on this trip. That makes sense, I guess (see: the title of this blog post). But, look, I don’t even really like steak that much. I don’t like scotch at all. However, if pretending like I do will make me worthy of being in Ron’s presence, then that’s what I’m doing. If he wants to change it up so we can eat all the bacon and eggs a restaurant has, I’m down with that.

• Go to the library: I like reading books and all, but I mostly just want to do this so I can yell “PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!!!” and then run out. Like so. I promise I don’t have anything against libraries or librarians. It’s all in the name of Leslie Knope.

Dude, It’s Beacon Hills

One of my biggest not-so-guilty pleasures is MTV’s Teen Wolf. I resisted watching it for so long. So long! I don’t even like werewolves! But eventually, right before the start of season 3, I crumbled and gave in. I binge-watched seasons 1 and 2 on Netflix and never looked back. It’s certainly not the greatest show on television, and this season is the hottest of all messes, but I love it. It’s embarrassing. Don’t tell anyone.

Teen Wolf takes place in the fictional Beacon Hills, a supernatural-laden small town located somewhere in Northern California. Since I live in the Bay Area, this is a trip I could make fairly easily. Surrounded by woods, it seems to be a town that has a good balance of nature and industrial life, as it also has or is close to a downtown-looking area. I could easily see myself spending time in a place like that. But here’s the thing about Beacon Hills: the stuff I wouldn’t want to see or do greatly outnumbers the stuff I would. Greatly.

I tried to compile a list of things I’d want to see or do. Really, I did. However, I’m pretty sure the bowling alley is the only place in Beacon Hills where nobody has gotten injured or died. Oh, and they have a pretty safe shopping mall, too—specifically a Macy’s. Good ol’ sponsors and product placement, y’all. Did I mention that this show’s timeline moves very slowly and, while it’s been on the air for four or so years, it’s still only 2011-12 in Teen Wolf land? That’s a lot of dead and injured people in one town during an alarmingly short period of time. So instead of a list of must-sees and dos, I’m presenting a list of some things to avoid at all costs. Seriously. Don’t visit them.

• Beacon Hills High School: Honestly, I have no idea why I would be visiting a high school in the first place. I graduated a long time ago and would have absolutely no reason to set foot here, unless I was channeling my inner Derek Hale. Still, this deserves to be mentioned. As one could easily assume from the show’s title, Teen Wolf is about, well, teens. Many of the main characters are still in high school, so a lot of their time is spent in school.

  Wait, did you think I meant they spent a lot of their time in class? HAH. Good one. That’s not what I meant at all. Instead, they’re battling their enemies on school grounds after-hours. You’d think these kids would hate being at school when they don’t need to be there, but somehow, they always get pulled back in, even when they don’t want to. School dances and lacrosse games have been interrupted by supernatural shenanigans. Blood’s been shed in the halls of this school, numerous corpses have been found, and just this season, a gross contagious disease spread through the whole place. Yeeeah, I think I’ll pass on this one.

• Clubs or parties of any kind: No night out on Teen Wolf has ever ended well, whether it consisted of hitting up Beacon Hills’ resident gay club Jungle, dancing at a warehouse rave, or donning glow in the dark body paint for a backlight party. Things always get ruined when some kind of evil creature attacks. Sure, it’s always going for the heroes of the show, and maybe I’ll be lucky enough to visit a club when none of them are present. No offense, good guys. But still, better to take precautions. I’d rather not end up paralyzed, knocked out, or dead when all I wanted to do was have a good time.

• Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital: I went to the emergency room once when I was a kid, and now I can’t even remember why. It must not have been all that serious. Otherwise, I haven’t really been a patient at a hospital since then. I haven’t even seen my general doctor for a regular check up in ages (shhh!). All these signs point to me NOT visiting Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital. However, I’m a little accident prone. I mean, I accidentally walk into the corners of my bed and fall up (not down) the stairs all the time. Although my hospital visits are highly infrequent, I still wouldn’t be surprised if I were to end up in some kind of freak accident while in Beacon Hills and had to be rushed to this breeding ground for injuries and death.

  I know what you’re thinking. It’s a hospital, of course people are injured and dying there. Well, duh. But beyond the usual hospital happenings, some kind of huge supernatural fight goes on in those hallways or on the roof all the time. Innocents get murdered, lives get threatened, blood gets everywhere. And yet, this place is somehow still kickin’. I’ve just gotta remember to be ultra safe on this trip and request to be taken to a different hospital far, far away when I inevitably hurt myself or get attacked by a mythical being.

• The woods: Most importantly, I’m steering clear of the woods. That’s where it all began when some crazy werewolf bit a teenager and shit went down. Also, said teenager was there in the first place trying to look for a corpse that was severed in half. So, uh, yeah. No woods. Or maybe just no Beacon Hills at all? Yeah, that sounds like a pretty sound idea if I value my life and humanity.

Dragon Rising

I like video games, but I wouldn’t call myself a huge gamer or anything. I kind of just play casually, here and there. A lot of the time, I go through these bouts where I really feel like playing something, so I pick up a controller and play for hours and hours through several days. Then, after a little while, I get bored and won’t play for months. It’s weird.

That’s one of the reasons why I’ve never actually completed The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim even though it came out three years ago (though I’ve only had it for two). And by that I mean I’ve never finished the main quest. See, Skyrim is one of those games that has so much content and so many things to do that “completed” is too broad of a term. Completing every single little thing in the game would take a looong time. There’s so much to see and do! That’s why instead of covering all of Skyrim in one itinerary, I’m going to break it down by hold.

In the game, Skyrim is a province and part of the larger continent Tamriel. It’s cold, mountainous, and inhabited primarily by Nords, though there are also various Elves and other races about. Skyrim is divided into nine geopolitical regions called holds, each with a very different look, feel, and reputation. Located near the middle of Skyrim is Whiterun Hold, one of my favorites. I like it because, being that it’s one of the first places the player visits in the game, it has a sort of familiarity to it, like it’s home. Also, it doesn’t snow much there like it does most everywhere else in the province. I hate snow so much that I can’t even stand it in video games.

Skyrim is mainly a game about fighting stuff. When you play, you’re given the title of Dragonborn because you have these sweet dragon powers and are basically the only one who can save the place from the dragons that start invading. But let’s be real here. I would never survive fighting my way through Skyrim. I’d die in an instant, probably. So for the sake of actually enjoying my visit, as I compile my must-sees and dos, I’m going to assume that I’m not the Dragonborn and I don’t have to save the world. That’s too much responsibility for an innocent traveler!

• Get archery lessons from Faendal in Riverwood: I shot a bow and arrow once at outdoor ed when I was in middle school. I remember it being fun, but I never explored the activity afterward even though I’ve always thought archery was pretty awesome and badass. So what better way to finally learn more about archery than to learn from a skilled trainer? Okay, so he’s not the best in Whiterun hold, but the expert trainer won’t provide her services unless you join her super intense fighting guild, and well, I am not about that life. Plus, Riverwood’s a cute and quiet little town. Faendal and I can just run around shooting arrows without a care. No shooting the chickens, though. The whole town will try to kill you. Seriously.

• Visit Dragonsreach: Dragonsreach is located in Whiterun, the capital city of Whiterun Hold. It’s the residence of the jarl, the seat of political power in the hold, and it’s essentially like a cool little castle or mansion. I don’t think I’m really supposed to be there unless I have business with the jarl, but whatever. Jarl Balgruuf seems like a good dude. Maybe I just want to tell him that, and also ask him why he (and all the other jarls in the game) sit like they give absolutely no fucks in the world.

• Visit Jorrvaskr: Remember that super intense fighting guild I mentioned? It’s called the Companions, and Jorrvaskr is their headquarters. Like Dragonsreach, it’s located in the city of Whiterun. When playing the game, you encounter members of the Companions taking down a Giant on your journey to Whiterun. Then they’re all like, “Yo, we just beat up this Giant in the middle of this person’s farm, so now a huge corpse is just chillin’ on these crops. Join our guild if you’re hardcore!” I mean, not in those exact words, but you know. Anyway, like I said, I’m not cut out for the fighting of Skyrim, so I wouldn’t even be in Jorrvaskr to join the Companions. I just feel like it would be worth looking at because it was founded before Whiterun even existed. It was there first, then the city built up around it. It’s definitely a historical must-see.

• Check out the Skyforge: Like Jorrvaskr, the Skyforge is another historical must-see and existed before Whiterun. In fact, it was around before Jorrvaskr. Ysgramor, founder of the Companions, built their headquarters there after discovering the forge, as it can produce unique weapons and armor. It’s currently run by the greatest blacksmith in Skyrim, Eorlund Gray-Mane. I don’t really need weapons or armor, but maybe I’d buy something as a souvenir to display in my house. Also, the Skyforge looks like an eagle and is probably prime selfie background material.

• See a dragon: But like, from a safe distance. 99% of the dragons in this game are antagonistic and won’t hesitate to burn you to a crisp or freeze you to death. They look really cool, but not so cool that I want to run up to one and give it a hug. After all, I’d like to live to see the rest of Skyrim!

We’ll Go to Very Distant Lands

I travel a lot.

Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration. I’m not even part of any frequent flyer programs. For as long as I can remember, though, I’ve gone on at least one out of town, sometimes even out of the country vacation a year. So maybe I don’t travel a lot according to more seasoned jet setters, but I have friends who have never even left their home state—ever! The fact that this is very bizarre to me has made me realize that, regardless of how much or how little I actually travel, I really love seeing new places. There are tons of actual, real life places I’d love to visit. But why stop there? There are also tons of fictional places I’d like to see, too.

One such place is The Land of Ooo, as seen in the animated series Adventure Time. Ooo is a fantastical post-apocalyptic world made up of various kingdoms. There are castles (and people!) made of candy, rainbow unicorns that only speak Korean, and a bunch of other wacky, wondrous things. Also, Abraham Lincoln is the equivalent of Jesus there. Where would a wandering traveler even begin?

If I’ve learned anything from countless family vacations, it’s that it is never a bad idea to have a trip itinerary. As much as I want to believe that it’s really awesome to be super spontaneous and just check out cool hotspots as you go, things inevitably go awry when you’re dealing with 10+ people traveling with you. I mean, not that I’d always be traveling with that many people on these fictional adventures. That sounds like a hassle. But still! It never hurts to have a plan, so here are some things I’d want to do and see in Ooo.

• Hit up the Breakfast Kingdom: I really love breakfast foods. They’re the kinds of foods that I don’t mind eating any time of the day. If you try to make me eat a turkey dinner at 10 AM, I will riot all over the place. Or I’ll just politely decline and look at you funny while I pour myself cereal instead. But give me a stack of waffles in the evening? I’m all over it.

  Ooo’s Breakfast Kingdom is a kingdom literally made of breakfast foods. Basically, it’s my dream come true. The Breakfast Castle is a huge coffee maker that spews out a coffee moat with bacon bridges. Inside are rooms where rugs are actually sunny-side up eggs and oranges adorn the walls and squirt juice out into glasses. The kingdoms’ inhabitants and rulers are also literally made of breakfast. And yes, they’re edible. I’m not into eating people, though, even if they do look like toast and stuff and are probably delicious. Here’s to hoping they provide non-living breakfast for consumption.

• Visit the Ice Kingdom: At some point in my life, I briefly lived on the East Coast. One of my favorite things about it was that four seasons actually existed. The red, orange, and yellow leaves covering the ground in autumn were so beautiful! However, this also meant that it actually got freezing cold once winter came around. And it snowed. I hate snow. I hate cold weather (well, anything colder than San Francisco cold). I’m just not built for it.

  So why the heck would I want to visit the Ice Kingdom? After all, it’s exactly what it sounds like—a kingdom made of ice. The ice isn’t the main attraction for me here. Rather, it’s a cute little penguin named Gunter. Or Gunther. Or Gunder. Or Goonter. It depends on who you ask, and you’d probably be asking the Ice Kingdom’s crazy ruler, Ice King. He has ice powers and freezes things, but is generally a really terrible villain who fails at most things. So that’s all well and good, but I’m more interested in the penguin. Actually, there are multiple penguins in the Ice Kingdom, so it’ll just be a penguin party! Wenk.

• Play in the Box Kingdom: If you haven’t noticed, all of Ooo’s kingdom names are pretty self-explanatory. This is a kingdom in the middle of a forest, and it’s literally made entirely of boxes. Boring, you say? No way. All its inhabitants are CATS. I just want to hang out and play with them all day. That’s it.

• Jam out with Marceline, Ooo’s resident rocker chick: I don’t play any instruments. I don’t sing. Marceline is a vampire, and I don’t like most vampires. This plan seemingly makes no sense, but Marceline is the coolest of the cool in Ooo. I just want to meet her and tell her she’s awesome. Note to self: don’t wear red ’cause she might be hungry and suck it up, as she eats the color instead of blood. Or maybe I should wear red to get on her good side? Hmm.

• Go on an adventure with Finn and Jake: This is probably the most important item on this to-do list. After all, the show’s full title is Adventure Time with Finn and Jake, so what good would a visit to Ooo be without actually going on an adventure with the titular characters? They’re adventuring pros, so here’s where I could stand to be a little more spontaneous about my trip. I’d let them take the reigns and tell them to take me on the most mathematical adventure they could think of. “Mathematical” is Finn-speak for “cool.” I’m not entirely sure why, considering math is very much uncool and all, but eh. I’d better not upset the adventurer as doing so could lead me to an awful time.

  I’d trust Finn and Jake’s judgement, though, and wouldn’t doubt that whatever we’d end up doing would actually be awesome. Maybe we’d explore a dungeon, or try to find our way out of a labyrinth, or help Princess Bubblegum and her candy people. We’d probably also have a lot of brushes with danger and possibly almost die, but you know. All in a day’s adventure. As long as I make it out alive to give Finn and Jake epic high fives, it’ll be an algebraic visit (Okay, seriously? Math again?). Shmowzow!